Friday, February 1, 2008

It's a Rare Condition

It was either Monday or Tuesday night (or early in the morning of one of the days that followed). I can't remember when. I was on a mission. I didn't know what my goal was, even in my dream I didn't know what my goal was; I just knew that I had one.

It was night, the sky was blood red with black clouds. I had travelled through time to a distant past, only to return to a present where the world I knew was turned upside-down, Back to the Future II style. But who was behind this sinister transformation?

I had a sidekick, though I can't remember his name. I wanna say it was Chuck Norris but that's only because he was in an awesome movie called Sidekicks. Except he wasn't the sidekick in that movie. Danica McKeller (The Wonder Years' Winnie Cooper) is also in that movie. I digress. Sidekick and I found ourselves in an unfamiliar suburban family neighborhood. We could hear commotion coming from a nearby backyard so we hopped the fence to check it out.

It didn't take long to discover the source of the commotion. Huddled in a corner of the yard, we observed a pack of feral children, dressed in rags. They seemed to be huddled around something, or rather, someone. As we cautiously approached the gang of seemingly rabid children, we discovered the center of their attention: Famliy Matters' Carl Winslow. We were instantly relieved and we marched boldly toward to the pack of kids. If anyone knew who was behind the evil transformation of our once pleasant world, it was Carl Winslow.

As we came closer to the band of wild kids, they turned to face us almost in unison. We immediately noticed the wild look of hunger in their eyes. Carl Winslow smiled diabolically. Something was wrong and we knew it. However, our curiosity bested us and we contiued our approach in order to satisfy it.

But Carl Winslow and his children (no, not Laura, Eddie, Little Richie, or even Steve Urkell) had something much greater than curiosity to satisfy: hunger. And Carl explained that Sidekick and I were to be their means of satisfaction!

No sooner had we learned of our intended fate did we turn and run, escaping the pack of hungry children and their "father", literally nipping at our heals. Over the fence and through the nearest time portal, we escaped into another, safer dimension.

So what was this mission I was so determined to accomplish? More importantly, what caused Carl Winslow, loving father and one of Chicago PD's finest, to resort to murder and cannibalism, the two things he had fought so hard to eradicate? I have no doubt that the two are somehow linked. But unless I return to that world of my slumber, I may never know. . . .


  1. Myke what a harrowing tale that was. Isn't it funny how completely random people make cameo appearances in our dreams. I once had a dream I vividly rememebr from years back where Joe Montana showed up to disburse words of wisdom about the game of, that's right, life. Nice work with Carl Winslow.

  2. oooohhhhhahahahaohohhohohohhahahah. (wipe a tear of laughter from my eye)

    that was hilarious.

    wonderful telling my friend.

  3. I bet Reginald VelJohnson (Carl Otis Winslow's real name) would just be happy that in your dream he was actually portrayed as something OTHER than a cop. He can't say that for Ghostbusters, Die Hard, Turner & Hooch, Family Matters, Kojak: The Belarus File, One of Her Own, and of course...Die Hard 2. Thanks IMDB.

  4. waaait, that was a dream? whew.

    dude. i began reading that, thinking i was getting myself into an existentially moving story of philosophical contemplation.. then i saw that amazing picture of carl winslow doing who knows what (is that air guitar?) and realized this is probably a whimsical dream-telling for entertainment purposes. but then i finished it, and realized it was indeed that symbolic existential experience after all... and so much more.

  5. Judging by the look of his right hand, I think Carl is playing air bass guitar. And you know he's got be pouning out some of the fatest bass line imaginable.

    Carl Winslow is the new Flea.

  6. Carl Winslow likerApril 9, 2011 at 6:34 PM

    You make me ashamed. How could you type that blog lying about Carl Winslow, whom I like and sympathize with? He wouldn't do any of that stuff that you typed about him, especially since you never created him. Shame on your for making this blog! >:(

    And you know what, chelsea? You're delusional for thinking that this blog is hilarious. How would you like it if others made fun of you for false stuff that were said, write, and/or typed about you? Think about that.

  7. Dear Carl Winslow liker,

    I never meant any disrespect or offense with this post. I too am sympathetic to the great Carl Winslow. Had you read this post carefully, you would've realized that this was a retelling of an amusing dream I had, that it is in no way a true representation of the real Carl Winslow -- son of Estelle "Mother" Winslow, doting husband of Harriette, loving father of Eddie, Laura, and Judy (even though she disappeared after the first four seasons), brother-in-law to Rachel Crawford, uncle to Richie, neighbor to Steve Urkel, one of Chicago PD's finest.

    Carl Winslow Lover

  8. I am just glad I was able to live to see the day in which a blog post about Carl Winslow could illicit such powerful feelings, to the point that an apology was warranted.

    God bless America.

    Also, I smell a troll.